BLACK GRUJA
Dear Lord in Heaven's take Big trouble we're about to make
When stills in Serbia turn, brandy will make brains burn.
Mad Radonja, brother of mine Our people to brandy incline
When they see redistill come they'll pay a lot to get some
The brandy we burn will flow There will be enough for all
Trouble to many, profit to us Come on Rade, play the pipes
What the fuck is wrong with me?
This place is gonna be famous. I can feel it.
And we should make use of it, Radonja.
Look, Zmago, I have men,
but I lack munition and rifles. And that thing... boom.
What do you mean, "boom"?
A little cannon. There'll be trouble with the Turks again.
I'm sorry, I can't get it all.
You can lick my balls. Ouch, I can lick your balls.
Serbian humor.
The Monarchy's rules about big calibers are too strict.
We must not break them.
- How about munition and rifles? - It's a deal.
Good luck in using them against hated occupiers.
Go on.
And don't screw up!
You know what's coming if this deal doesn't work.
Of course, Mr. Karadjordje! Don't worry!
Press it, press it.
Come on, the other one now.
Don't squeeze that, it's not a blackhead, it's a bunion.
- Sorry, didn't mean to... - Pluck out that black stuff there.
This transition from feudalism to capitalism is killing me.
There's no fresh capital to profit from, only peanuts.
- Yes. - What, "Yes"?
Right, boss, I know about that capital boar.
"Capital boar"... Cut the crap and wash my feet.
- Boss, good news! - I can see your...
Just kidding, come on in.
- It was just as you'd said. - You don't say.
I saw Zmago at Vozd (leader) Karadjordje's house
- with that face... - What face?
The face...
By your face I'd say that Zmago has constipation, or in Serbian,
he can't shit. You're disturbing me for that, you moron?!
That face said "I'm loaded."
I saw him take two bags of ducats (gold coins).
Vozd, I don't think it was a good idea to give all that money
to a foreigner and that we should've given it to
- someone we can trust. - As long as he's not a Serb.
Petar, Jakov and Milenko are plotting against you.
I suggest we bribe them.
So that you can skim some, fat bastard?
Our intelligence says that the Turks are gathering troops.
We should send them some gifts to appease them.
Little castling... Now you'll climb a big castle!
Germans and Russians won't help if we don't grease their palms.
I might grease a stake for you.
I can also help a bit if...
I'm giving you all I have. 198, 199... 200.
- 200 ducats. - 200? - If Uncle decided to buy
Austrian rifles and munition, I'll also help my poor people,
I'll back the uprising too. I'm giving 200 ducats!
200! I am a trader but I'm a patriot above all!
200 gold coins for munition and rifles? Beautiful!
- Mr. Gruja, I love Serbian patriotism. - Have you brought
- Uncle's... I mean, people's money? - No, too much for Serbia at night
Good idea.
Only strong economy can help the people. That requires a strong
strategic partner with capital that'll multiply progressively.
- Right! - Put Uncle's and my money on the same pile, buy wheat, it's
martial law, people can't sow nor reap, we'll form our own price!
I can't do that with Karadjordje, when he grabs me...
I still have a red card in Serbia for those stakes...
Don't fuck with me, I'm taking the most risk with 200 ducats!
I know that every invested ducat will bring 10 in return!
Ten? Just a moment...
- Gruja, that's too much money. - We just go in, turnover,
- and then invest in defense. - Only if the turnover is quick!
Of course, quick turnover is the mother of business! Hurry up,
- we might lose the deal! - I'll run like hell!
- Give the man a sandwich for the road. - I'm scared of him!
Don't be, just don't look at him. He's a good boy.
Wait for me there, bro.
What should we do?
Back in the shot!
Why're we going to Old Vidana? Why not Psychic Jezda?
Jezda is as psychic as... She can only see the head of a dick.
Old Vidana, hello!
What're you yelling for, you ape?
- We're here for help. - I can't hear you.
- How to put it? I can't hear you? - You don't remember me, huh?
It's you, Karadjordje! Oh, Pasha of sub-pashas!
Come on in. Too much work, I'm very busy. Come on.
Something fell out of your ass. Ah, a chair.
Is this real brandy or some witch hodge-podge?
No, it's a real labia brandy!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
It's good.
Mr. Mladja?
Mr. Mladen?
Excuse me,
The Alchemist's Almanac that I'm getting from abroad,
the one for young psychics, it's called "The Third Nut",
can you help me with the customs?
- I'll see what I can do. - Fatso!
You, you, Fatso! Quit it!
Get lost, we have talks of national importance.
But take those Turkish delights, my sugar level might drop.
Kurana... I mean, Vidana, I keep mixing you with
that other psychic. Sit here.
I need you to take a peek in my future, the near one.
It's about the people,
there's too many problems but no solutions.
That requires a highly expensive technology.
You bitch...
I need money to remove my hump and fur.
I'll impale you sooner or later...
I need money for implants, silicones and tattoos.
I'll tattoo my name on your ass. This is it.
Speak, bitch.
I can see...
The Turks will strike Serbia from three sides.
- A huge army! - Motherfuckers!
- You have to watch your back from inside enemies. - Faggots!
- You might even lose your head! - Fuck! That's not good.
- There's a cure for that too. - What cure?
The folk legend says that in Western Serbia, near Pecka,
in the hills there's a solution for this very tough situation.
The legend has it that there is a Stone of Wisdom.
One who hits his head on the Stone 3 times becomes wise.
Each following hit makes him wiser and wiser.
But there's a catch.
More cash, Vozd, my man!
Fuck the catch. The Stone of Wisdom is the solution.
I was so stupid to think
that in Serbia everything is solved by weapons.
- Unbelievable. - You were wrong.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe Serbia to Tokyo
Karadjordje's steak Tastes really great!
What should I say, I was born a winner!
Let's go again...
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...
This must be Zmago, right?
- He's early. - Wait a minute. I'll get it.
- Hi, Zmago, my man... Uncle? - What did you say?
What's this stench?
Uncle, brace yourself, you'll make it!
Hold on, for all of us, for Serbia, you have to!
You have to, for Serbia!
Are you alright?
Uncle, don't give in!
You're really happy to see me?
Get off!
Uncle's always welcome in my house. Bole, get him coffee.
No coffee, thank you.
- Has something died here? - No, we're all alive.
Oh God.
- Did you take your shoes off? - No, everything's fine.
Bole, get out! Get lost!
Get lost, you farting asshole!
And leave the door open!
When you come back, you're gonna lick the floor!
Although I'm blind from this stench,
I have a task of important national interest for you.
You have to go to Pecka and bring the Stone of Wisdom.
- Don't ask me what that is. - Mr. Gruja!
Here's the money!
Djordje, greetings.
So, people's money for guns and ammo is going around
- for no reason. - Yes... No!
I'm on my way to the Monarchy, I just dropped by to take some
- soft cheese, ajvar, beans... - Uncle, there's 200...
200 reasons for me to go to Pecka tomorrow at dawn.
Yes, as the saying goes, it's better to sleep it over.
Shut this idiot associate of yours up.
Ceda, go to sleep if you have nothing better to do.
Look, if I didn't know that Gruja is an honest patriot,
- I would instantly smell a fish here. - No, no, no.
- Listen to me, moron. - Yes? - Not you.
Before you go to Pecka tomorrow, come to me,
I just want to see you.
Because this stench has made me a little blind.
I will.
- Greetings and bon voyage! - Get out of my sight, you ox,
you sub-Alpine ox!
Illustrious Padishah,
forgive me for disturbing your deep meditation.
It better be something serious.
Serbia.
Ouch, Serbistan...
Do those people have souls?
The dahi have been banished. Taxes are getting scarce.
What are we going to do?
The plan for attack on Serbia is ready.
Now is the right time, we must attack!
Attack!
Burn, pillage and bye-bye!
The big infidel countries won't allow the attack.
They have founded a divan-group so we must negotiate with them.
Don't screw with me if you can't attack!
I can, oh, Star of the East. I can,
but first I must estimate the strength of Karadjordje's army.
And the infidel countries are in disagreement.
We just have to wait for our chance and then I'll attack!
During that time you will preside the divan-group.
What am I going to tell them?
Illustrious Emperor, diplomacy is a piece of cake.
They'll be talking and you just keep silent.
If they ask you anything, just say:
"May be, but not necessarily."
May be, but not necessarily.
Wait for my signal. I'll let you know when I strike.
May be, but not necessarily.
May be,
but not necessarily.
Take this brandy to my aunt in Svodje. How long?
- She will be drunk in an hour. - An hour? Great. Bon voyage!
- Good morning, old man! - Good morning, weird old...
Where are you going?
Get back. Stand there and shut up.
For all I know, they might be spies.
Let me ask you something.
Is there maybe some stone of wisdom here?
Come taste the best brandy in the area!
If you don't like it, you don't have to pay.
Bole, get back! Stand there.
- Let's take some 7 liters for the road. - No.
- Boss, I need it for... - I said, no!
You're of no use anyway, I don't need you drunk.
We're not here for brandy, we're looking for the Stone of Wisdom.
It's not too strong, Radonja's been like this since birth.
We don't want brandy!
We are interested in the Stone of Wisdom!
My friend, this is a 40-grade slivovitz! Unusually natural!
We're not interested in brandy but in the Stone of Wisdom!
It's not expensive either. 12 coins a liter and the package
is for free, we still haven't penetrated the market!
Let's go. This guy's fuse is long gone.
You won't find a better brandy from here to the Stone of Wisdom!
Hold on, hold on!
Did you just say "The Stone of Wisdom?"
Stay here, we have a pension including breakfast.
- Village tourism! - Did you say "Stone of Wisdom?"
Will do, for you a pork roast too but it's a la carte,
- or even better, all-inclusive! - And the Stone of Wisdom?!
- Best buy: visit to the Stone of Wisdom. - Deal!
We'll take the full package, tomorrow you take us to
- the Stone of Wisdom! - Deal! - Deal!
- Rakia (brandy)- connecting people! - Yes, of course!
Now give me brandy! Should I take it from this madman?
- Cheers! - Cheers!
Very nice!
Hello, Priest, what do you have to declare?
I have to declare to the customs chief that
- you're smoking on duty! - General, I haven't recognized you...
Get up and shut up!
I have nothing to declare,
I'm going to visit my brothers on the other side.
Go on, go on.
Have you accommodated our dear guests?
- What are they doing? - Contemplating.
- What? - They're contemplating.
Excellent. Perfect. Let's go.
Welcome, dear guests. I'm glad to see so many happy faces
in my humble hotel with many stars, flower of Serbian tourism.
And now, just for you, all-inclusive,
artistic program! Three, four!
To Dragic his grandma spoke
Oh Dragic, my falcon brave, End this living like a slave.
Evil exceeds all imagination, People won't take oppression,
Take the club I've been hiding
Granny gave him a club nice, Adding a piece of advice:
For Turks you get ready, Hit them hard and steady.
No sweat, my dear granny, Turks are no more so many
When I catch a Turkish lout I'll beat his brains out
Each will have the Mad Radonja's snout!
Here he comes!
Folks, here's our government employee, Mr. Gruja!
Let's hear it for him!
Easy, children, easy.
Come on, sunshine.
Welcome to the first Serbian tourist destination!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Oh, look at you boys, congrats on your looks.
You look as if you've been stung by gadflies.
OK, that's it.
All this fuss just because of this stupid stone.
How am I supposed to know that this is the Stone of Wisdom?
And if it is, how am I supposed to know
that it actually increases wisdom?
Hey, Mad Radonja, have you bought something?
- Take him to the stone! - What are you doing?!
People, they're killing Radonja!
Free Pigmasons!
- Are all free Pigmasons here? - We're all here. - OK.
I'm opening the meeting of the
most secret Pigmasonic lodge in non-liberated Serbia.
- Petar! - Jakov!
- Milenko! - Petar!
Milenko...
Are you crazy? Why are you banging my head on a stone?
Good, very good. Jesus H. Christ, it works!
It's a miracle! Like a lightning in January!
Smack him on the head and pack him up, the boss is waiting.
Do I look like a fool?
- Are those Djordje's guys? - Yup. That's Gruja that once
sold me 10 liters of brandy, and five of it was water.
What are they doing?
Brothers, this looks like a dangerous ritual.
What?
Impale you on a stake...
Strangle you with bowstring!
Your Highness!
I'm hereby opening the meeting of the divan-group...
on Bulgarstan.
Serbia.
On Serbistan.
Let's hear it.
Per Napoleon's wish,
Serbia should remain within the Ottoman Empire with
widest possible autonomy. What say the Porte?
- May be, but not necessarily. - Is that yes or no?
It's in the hands of the great Allah.
For Vienna this a complicated case. There are rights to
self-determination and territorial integrity. What say the Porte?
Of course, the both are there either way.
Which one has the priority?
I am not the Prophet able to untangle that.
The great Russian Emperor Alexander will not allow
violence over our Orthodox brothers. The right to
self-determination of Serbian people is inviolable,
unless some agreements of higher order are made.
In any case, we should be moderate.
What say the Porte?
Violence brought good to nobody.
And how about some... Agreements of higher order?
It may also be,
but a smaller deal would not be bad either.
As far as I can see, we've come to a halt.
- I suggest a break for consultation. - Agreed.
- What say the Porte? - Of course, of course, naturally!
Speak, Mladja! But please don't babble about pay balance.
Petar, Jakov and Milenko are in touch with the Russians.
Captain Kulin is gathering troops on the Drina and wants
to strike from Vidin and Nis. I'm afraid he really will.
Hello, Uncle.
We've found the Stone of Wisdom, here, check it out.
This is some moron, not the Stone of Wisdom!
This is an outrage. First they smashed my head on a stone
and then brought me to a disgusting place like this.
Hygiene is not satisfactory
and they're looking at me like I'm crazy.
- Are you the Vozd? - Yes. - Please tell your servants
- to free me immediately. - Come closer.
What's this moron doing here? I want the Stone of Wisdom!
Exactly that Stone made him so talkative! He was so stupid,
he was dumb, the stupidest guy in the area. Sorry, Mladja.
Bole is the Greek philosopher Aristocrat compared to him.
- So, you really went to Pecka? - Yes! - Sure we did!
- I even bought a fife! - I bought this beautiful flask!
- It hurts! You're pathological... - Mladja, sedate him.
My human rights...
Thank you.
He's kind of familiar to me...
Ceda, come here.
I don't know, the two of you in a two-shot...
It kind of rings a bell, but... Get lost!
I don't know, maybe he's a spy, maybe not.
Anyway, tomorrow straight to... Ouch, it burns (pecka)!
Pecka!
Oh, Illustrious Vozd! Oh, Karadjordje the Black!
Oh, my King! If you'd give me a compensation for Radonja...
Your compensation is freedom.
- I need him for the morning coffee... - We had to put him
in chains, he was babbling too much and you, stop babbling!
So this the secret weapon, huh?
This should be tried out.
We just need an unbelievably stupid man.
Uncle, this choice will be so hard to make.
Boss, I'll do it, I'm experienced with hard surfaces.
Though, I used to hit wooden tables, wooden closets,
but this stone is so nicely rounded, I might break it.
Don't make me beat you here in front of the people.
- Take a bow and begin. - If there's no one else...
Lord, what a beautiful sculpture!
Oh, I lack a tooth, I should make one.
Look at this outfit, I have to pimp myself up.
New horizons are opening to me.
Gruja!
There you go, you've seen it yourself, this definitely works.
- Interesting. - Yes.
- You're taller than me again. - Sorry, Uncle.
Listen, not a word to anyone about this. Tonight, my place.
Now scram!
- Uncle, can I straighten up? - When I'm far enough.
- Excuse me, boss... - Wait until he's far enough.
May I try the Stone? I need inspiration for my poetry.
OK, OK, go on.
Bang at it as much as you like, just be at my place at five.
Don't worry, boss.
Guys, how many times did you bang at the stone?
Just three times, boss, it hurts too much.
- Bole, just tell me... - Boss, I have to focus here!
Just a second!
- I have a great idea... - Boss, will you let us play?!
I just thought to take you to the meeting with Uncle,
but you're starting to shit too much...
Why don't you take those three sacks of beans and
- sell them to the army supplies? - But those beans are rancid!
You can't tell by its looks.
Come on, please, I'll cover your expenses and extra.
First of all, our pay is fixed, and besides, it's so immoral...
- What if the soldiers get sick? - Exactly.
Watch this.
Can you act like a fool somewhere else?
Please, guys.
Pretty please with cherry on top, come on.
Here, I'll give you the kings back. Please, guys.
Please, we used to be so close,
don't do this to me.
Please, for the sake of all of us, guys...
For the sake of all of us born in 60-something...
Come on, come on, come on!
Thank you so much, guys.
You motherfuckers are done with.
I'll impale both of you on one stake.
I should try it too before I make important decisions.
Anyway, these new inventions should be tried out.
Allah!
Karadjordje hitting his head on a stone?
Sheitan has possessed the infidel leader!
But that is good. The Sultan will be happy.
Pigeon...
Pigeon?
Pigeon!
You give the Serbs church and school.
Money goes to Istanbul. If they start rebelling,
strike them. The Emperor is on your side!
Don't listen to this sweet-mouthed Gallic cock!
The French are big swindlers!
Freedom, Equality, Brotherhood!
- And you? One man, one people, one reich! - What?
Dear God, save me from both of them!
What is this?
Mr. Karadjordje has set guards by the Stone of Wisdom.
- He says that the Stone at night is not safe. - You don't say?
And what's not safe about it?
- What? - If you hit it at night, it turns you into a dwarf.
- Bastard. - No one is allowed near the Stone at night.
Come on, you're a smart guy, it's Uncle just joshing people.
But it is the Uncle. The Uncle, Mr. Gruja.
Feel free to tell me. Open up to me.
The prices for export of the Stone to Europe are too low.
There's no profit for me nor for Serbia in it.
How much of the Stone would you need to penetrate
- the European market? - Not too much.
Just a sample to introduce our product to European partners.
Would you mind if I took over that export-import from Vozd?
- It's the same for me if I work with you... - You're my man!
...or with Mr. Karadjordje. Will he give you a small quantity?
Don't you worry about a thing. Tomorrow at dawn,
be up there on the hill where that priest is.
I'll be there with sufficient quantity of stones.
What's that priest doing up there again?
Priest!
It's good that you've come, to consecrate water for my fete.
I'll pay you half a coin. Or in kind.
I can't, son, I'm in a hurry.
- But it's only two minutes. - I couldn't, I couldn't.
I'm not specialized in consecrating water.
What, now everyone has his own specialiti... ness?
My field are funerals.
It's no good, me consecrating water.
I just happened to hear you. What's the problem?
Why don't you do it for our Bole?
We're no longer strangers to the church, we're enlightened now.
And secularized, as the modern term goes.
- Come on in for sweet preserves and brandy. - I can't! - Come on!
Come on, Priest...
I'm into deep...
Here's the censer, and let's have some brandy.
- I don't drink. - Come on, a priest can have one drink.
I do drink, but I had too much last night, some chicks
were dancing on the tables, taking their clothes off...
- And all of us... Well, you know. - Come on, let's begin.
Water...
Water, fire, snow,
rain and wind...
God help this house... and that...
And everybody attending...
I'm in deep...
- St. Nicholas... - It's not Nicholas, it's Pantaleon, in two weeks.
Don't interrupt me, you think I don't know when Pantaleon is?
So, St. Pantaleon...
- And may you have a nice party... - It's a fete.
You're interrupting me again! I know, "fete, fete"!
Fete, so what? I can't work like this!
I can't work like this and enough with this nonsense!
Here...
Your water's consecrated and cheers!
- Amen. - Amen.
Father, is this some kind of a new ritual?
Right, it's a new procession, the head priest from Istanbul
signed it and so...
See how quickly these things change?
Yes, yes. I have to go now...
About that half a coin, would you take it in kind?
Yes, yes.
Here, take this bacon, it's worth more than half a coin.
- Look! It's wonderful! - No! No! - Take it, Priest!
- I'm fasting! I'm fasting. - But today it's not a fast.
Have some!
But I am fasting! I am!
We from the Special Department of Priests for Funeral Service,
we fast much more often. You know?
- When you put it that way... - It does make some sense.
Well, take it and eat it later.
What's up with him?
This will be: "What's up with you, you stupid yokel?"
And two of these will automatically mean:
"Get out, you son of a bitch!"
You can get the red one at once too if you don't play nice.
And this will be the essence of the whole thing.
Vozd, you can tell me anything. You intended to begin the folk
festivity tomorrow with public skewering of Jakov, Petar and
Milenko. That's nice and human. And it doesn't cost much.
But the fourth beam, who is it for?
Beam? Skewering?
No one's going to be skewered.
Skewered or skewered?
Hell, I think it's a doublet.
Skewered, short-ascending accent on the first syllable.
- Skewer! - Skewer?
Way to go, sister!
- Our Karadjordje finally called us. - It's time for bed!
If you still have your usual headache?
We'll give our little Djordje (dick) a massage.
Little dick? I'm sorry, girls.
Will not happen. See these hats here?
Now you take needles and thread and sew these
into something like cannonballs.
- What about the bed? - And massage?
First you have to finish...
the work, and later that bed and stuff. Scram!
Vozd, you know I'm always for saving money, but making
cannonballs out of hats? Here, I'll loosen my own purse strings
- for ammo. - That's not for cannonballs.
You'll see what it's for.
Fly, pigeon, make my...
Make my...
...Padishah happy.
Why'd they choose this place to meet at?
Let it go, 50% of the people is on their side.
Here they come.
- Pigmasonic brothers! - Don't you "Pigmasonic brothers" us!
When Petar and I killed those Turks at that...
- Ivankovac. - Ivankovac. You never thought of us, we got nothing.
And you keep your army in my region, they ate up everything.
All right, there's some truth in it, you're right.
But... how should I put it without being vulgar?
It's about time we cut the crap.
It's time to make an agreement, right, brothers?
I'm offering you a place in people's government.
- A place in the government without elections. - Will do.
Each of you gets to be a minister. Travel expenses,
hotel accommodation and fuel.
- We'll refund it as much as... - Cut the crap.
Can I get the ministry for capital investments?
I'd like agriculture.
I don't need a car, just a pretty secretary.
Brothers Pigmasons, it's a fair deal.
Cheers, Vozd, we agree.
There, you see.
Now a celebration is in order, so I'm inviting you tomorrow
to a big folk festivity, a fair, you can call it a party too.
Tomorrow, by the Stone of Wisdom, meadow number...
- What was it? - 46. -46.
Come here, guys. Here's the plan:
Bole, you crawl through those thickets and act like a pig.
- What do you mean? - Just act like a pig.
- I don't know how to do that. - You know, you just forgot how. Look.
See? You became too refined so you forgot.
Now go, it's an order!
Ceda, you fool, look here.
He's crawling like a pig, the guard runs to catch it, comes
here from the right, you come to him from left and hit him
- on the head with this. - Why should I hit the man?
Hit him... just because.
Hit him because he's such a dangerous thug, don't fuck
with me, you moron! Hit him or I'll hit you, is that clear?
- Yes, sir. - Now go, it's an order!
I'll be here.
I'll be here watching. Go on.
Fucking fools.
Stop.
Come on, guys, hurry up.
Come on. You take this,
you take this...
What are you looking at?
Take this and this...
Go ahead, start smashing.
Boss, I don't think it's fair to keep this stone to ourselves.
So many people in Serbia lack wisdom and it's just 3 of us.
- This stone has been and will be... - Excuse me, colleague.
- It is! - Our greatest... - National treasure!
We're a part of the nation too and we'll take our part. Go on.
Take this. What are you looking at, go smash it!
Colleague Ceda!
Look! Such a shiny and solid material!
I'd say this is astero-fall-to-earthyte!
Yes, it might be! But judging by its color, it may
- be rock-fall-to-earthyte. - A brilliant observation!
- Thank you, colleague. - Quit fucking with me!
- Put it in the sacks. - Don't! - What, "Don't"?
This is a real moneymaker, Master Gruja can sell anything!
Put it in sacks. Keep smashing.
- What are you waiting for? Hands off! - Just wanted to help.
Today is just the beginning of my
business days with making business in civilization.
And when I turnover enough ducats...
Exotic destinations, here I come!
Stop!
What's that?
The situation is extremely dramatic, start now.
Enough, that's for another movie.
Zmago, is that you?
- Stop! - Come here. - He's jogging.
The fool is jogging.
Stop!
Zmago, is that perhaps the new discipline "jogging" that English
immigrants from English colonies brought to Europe?
No, no, one doesn't jog in spiked boots. I bring news.
Vozd has ordered new economic measures towards the Monarchy.
Strict control of all treasure. I really don't know how to
- take the stones out of Serbia. - Motherfucker, he already knows.
Anyone who wants to import from Serbia must pay a state tax.
He's filling the budget.
What am I going to do now with this powder?
- Now I feel like throwing it away. - No, no way!
That powder is valuable, it's a strategic resource!
If Uncle catches me with it, I'm screwed. He'll know who
- broke his stone right away. - Then give the powder to me.
- What do you need it for? - I'd keep it safe while it's hot.
Serbian authorities won't search me. Give it to me.
I can't. I just changed my mind, I might need it. Don't, please.
Go to fucking hell motherfucker, I'm not giving it to you!
Would you take me to the Serbian camp?
Don't, please, my car is registered for three persons.
I'm sorry. Drive!
Well, jogging.
People of Serbia, rebelling army and friends from Europe
and Asia Minor, we're here to show that we can also have fun
and not only to fight, to show our loyalty to Illustrious Sultan
as well as a strong determination for European
integrations and cooperation. Silence, motherfucking yokels!
So, we'll start with our traditional game "batknock",
so, batknock on!
Stop the batknock!
Someday in future these will be called jerseys.
Didn't I tell you to make a 5?
All right, stop the brutalities. Share these around.
Look now. This will be the props for the new game.
You can play it like this...
I'll show it to you later. Father, Priest, come, please.
You, you.
- Who, me? - Yes.
Father, kindly bless our new game. It's a new beginning.
I'd like to, but I can't, I swear on the Prophet's beard...
What'd you just say?
Illustrious Emperor, I mean, Illustrious Vozd,
I am a member of a Special Priest Department.
Our section does only funerals. It'd be bad for the future of
- the endeavor... - Just cut the crap, Father,
- and bless it. - All right then, if I have to.
Better than a death sentence.
Abracadabra,
may this infidel foolishness have a long life,
and a lot of fruit not to bring
and help me God and so on, on the same subject...
That you have good fives and sixes and so on...
And here and there and... done!
I predict a bright future for this game.
I have a headache but I have to finish this.
This will be called a stadium.
The grave-diggers asked me for a place to play "shitkick".
And another one for this national minority, the Gypsies.
Vozd, I must say this. I think you've been hitting
the Stone too much. You might O.D. And getting off the Stone
can take a long time. Just hit it once or twice and quit.
But this is a fantastic thing.
Our children will get to lose from various national teams.
- The people can't keep up with you! - Should I let them
- hit the Stone too? - No, no, no!
- What's wrong? - By no means, we're too advanced.
I'm stiff. My back hurts terribly.
Mladja...
- Bend over the table. - Vozd, please don't.
Sexual freedoms are not allowed yet!
- Please don't! - Bend over! - This is the 19th century!
So? Better?
Better. Better, better.
- Have you seen that? - Thank you, Master.
Just a discus hernia.
Avoid standing long on guard and filming in cold places.
Master, what were you doing with that fat pig?
The pig got stiff so I helped him.
- We're stiff too, help us. - Not now.
I have to finish the celebrity box for sponsors and politicians.
Therefore... scram!
Yes... I will put a non-field toilet here.
- This is a disaster! - It is, but it's your fault.
No use crying for spilt milk. I won't argue whose fault it is.
All my ventures are ruined too. The beans deal is ruined.
The export of unique talisman stone too.
And those idiots are making me pay them!
While we're at that, did you return the powder?
- What do you care? - I'm worried about you.
When Mr. Djordje grabs you... I'd be careful if I were you.
For the sake of our friendship and brotherly relations.
Yeah right, Djordje can grab my... I better not say it.
This is the situation:
We must get rid of Karadjordje or get him back to normal.
For that, we need an insider.
I interviewed that scumbag Mladen. He's a scumbag,
but he's not stupid. So I want to ask you:
But answer carefully.
- Are you with me in this matter? - With all my heart!
- I... I am with you. - Why are you stuttering then?
- Well, OK. - Are you or are you not?! - I am!
Then go prepare those crazy weeds for me.
I need them ready for transport tonight.
- Mr. Gruja, what about the powder? - I'm not giving it to you!
- End of story! - All right. - I am with you with my heart,
soul and body, but Vozd mustn't find out.
- But this way, anonymously, I'm with you 100%! - Good.
Coming from you, good enough. But don't you blurt it out.
Or I'll grease a stake. And I'm not doing that by myself.
- Get lost! - I'm going!
- Slovenian, take care! - I'm deaf and dumb.
Listen to me carefully, Muja.
You go straight and turn left at Bitola.
Got it? Now say goodbye to Fata.
Kiss, there you go.
Don't worry, he'll be back.
And maybe not.
The things he promised when he asked me to lay under his flag...
- Remember? - I don't remember what little Djordje looks like.
Surely you remember...
Hang this, Mladja.
- Should we leave, Master? - No, no...
Mladja, tell me.
- I told you. - Vozd, it's a disaster. You won't believe it.
Turks've crossed the border from Bosnia and started pillaging
Serbian villages. During that, people were watching that
- new game of yours... shitkick. - Kickshit. - Kickshit.
When they were told that Turks were robbing their houses,
they said, wait, let's see if the ball goes between two beams.
Yes. That rag ball is a devil's working.
He's nuts.
My team is playing today, I bet on X to 1, that kid is injured...
- Vozd! - I'm sorry.
- The forces of Buljubasa (Captain) - The one doing lightshow?
No, that's the film "Buljubase" by Dejan Zecevic.
They refused to fight the Turks because they've not been paid.
- So why don't we pay them? - I'm also for financial
- discipline, but this is deserting! - Pay them, come on.
Now the biggest disaster. Here in Pozarevac area farmers have
refused to prepare for war with Turks because they had paid for
- vacations at Khalkidhiki in Grecia. - Wait a minute.
Which tourist agency is the sponsor of this line?
- No one there? - No one there.
They said they didn't want to lose their vacation bookings.
And "Someone might get killed, what's freedom if you're dead?"
Well, people are used to living in peacetime conditions.
And there is no alternative to peace.
But we're doing good with science and literature.
True.
I have a plan.
Let's take the first few who refuse mobilization
- and impale them. How about that? - All right.
- Then a couple of strikers from unions... - All right.
And whip them on the butts so that they come to senses.
What are you talking about? This is the 19th century, modern
time. If there's trouble, we'll turn to our Russian brothers
who we will turn to in future too and who will never help us.
All right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Does it have to be this way?
If Uncle doesn't change,
he's going to get the axe. The real axe.
You witching scumbag! You screwed us all up!
You screwed up whole Serbia, everybody's gone crazy
because of that stone! I'll strangle you on the spot!
- Let go of me, motherfucker! - Don't you swear at me,
- you piece of shit! - Assholes got hooked by themselves!
You don't know about the dual nature of the Stone!
- Want to screw me up again? - I know everything!
What do you know?
You piece of shit. You scumbag.
You know everything.
You don't know a thing!
- Speak! - Gimme! - Give you what?
- Gimme! Gimme! - I can't, let me go.
- I can't give you that, I don't like you! - Not that!
You fool!
Gimme the powder from your bag.
I'll give you anything, just get me out of this shit!
- Speak! What do you know? - The Stone is not only wise.
It can also be crazy.
Depends on when you bang on it.
If you bang on it in daytime, you get wise.
If you hit it at night...
- Then you go completely crazy. - You junkie piece of shit!
If you screw me up, you're going to the pyre!
And wash your hands, they smell like your feet!
Say hi to Master Bole and Master Ceda.
Shiteaters.
You're going to have to pay for this overtime, and a lot!
We're visiting the Stone in the dead of the night, like vampires.
Don't get angry. Hitting the Stone at night is a privilege.
I've brought you a bonus too.
- No way. - I haven't washed my hands.
Are you insane? You know how much fat is in there?
- Not to mention cholesterol. - As you wish, I'll suffer.
And not to mention poor little pigs who died so that you can...
- And poor little horses... - And poor...? What?
Poor horse that's been pulling you for miles, you donkey!
And it's not pulling you? You're light?
The poor animal won't be pulling me anymore!
Fly, pigeon, for the last time.
I'm worried about you. You're not gonna walk all the way
- to the Stone, are you? - It's a nice evening for a walk.
I don't mind hitting the Stone.
- You say the effect is stronger at night? - You will see.
Kicks ass!
Master Ceda, who's going to feed the pigs?
Master Gruja will be very angry if...
Shh! Here comes the boss.
- Command us, boss. - Want me to command you?
The command shouldn't adverse human and union freedoms?
- And so on? - Yes, and so on...
- I didn't quite get you now. - Boss, command in Serbian.
Get lost!
Get lost, you bastards!
Feed the cattle, clean the house, I want everything
mint-clean by dawn! Is that clear?
Not really, but it will be.
- Siberia is mine! - Siberia is Russian land.
I'm opening the 63. round.
Sixty-seventh.
Sixth, seventh, third, whatever.
I'm opening the round, but it must be shorter!
- Why shorter? - I have other business too.
I'm expected at the harem. They'll pluck my beard out!
You don't know what it's like, many women in the same place.
It's worse than your infidel hordes.
Work shouldn't suffer because of pleasure.
What pleasure are you talking about? It's long gone.
Now it's pain in the ass. When they jump at me...
The first, second, third, fifth, sixth, seventh...
Your Highness, the Serbian case is getting complicated.
Vienna has information that in the area of Belgrade Pasaluk
there is an interesting resource that affects psycho-physical
abilities of an individual. What say the Porte?
Naturally, that's right. But not necessarily.
I think that it affects only Slavic peoples. So there's
no need for him to bang his head about. That would require
some brains inside, so even if he wanted to, nothing...
I don't understand! Clarify, you Slavic boar!
It's a fact that the Germans always play on strength,
- while technique is their weak point. - Yes. So,
Vienna is offering its hand to brotherly Catholic
French people to jointly strike the Slavic Mongols in the East!
Yes. But first quit your cooperation with the degeneric
- from the Island. - Deal. - This is outrageous!
They're openly plotting against Emperor Alexander!
- I'd shoot them on the spot! - Go ahead!
That's what I wanted to hear.
- My grandfather was a Crusader! - Mine was a Teutonic knight!
I had a position in Vladivostok where I learned martial arts.
Quit it!
Savages, they want to fight in my own court!
Holy Sultan, let's return to the 67. round.
The question of Serbistan is solved.
The Porte wished for a peaceful solution,
but that devil Captain Kulin assembled the army.
And?
Tomorrow there'll be neither uprising nor the rebels.
What can you do?
All things must pass.
Today it's some Karadjordje, tomorrow he is no more.
A mortal man dreams, but Allah decides.
Mladja, I see good company here. Tell me what is the matter.
But Pigmasons won't be happy with solving national questions
- behind their backs. - Don't worry, illustrious Vozd, this is a top
secret meeting of the top state officials. Captain Kulin wants to
cross the Drina with his troops. I suggest we dig in and
- wait for him at Misar. - A brilliant idea!
The Monarchy is near, you can easily run away
- in case of trouble. - I can't move my army. And all those
games with weapons are starting to make me sick.
- Uncle! - You may go to the toilet. - No, I've just been there.
I think that the Misar Field is the best option.
If that's your idea, then it's extremely stupid.
We'll send a messenger to Captain Kulin and make a deal.
But that's Kulin, he'll impale the messenger!
Then we'll send one to the Sultan to say that they're
We'll be dead by the time he gets back.
Erzika, Stamena, the soup!
Girls, spoon always goes to the right of the plate.
Frutti di mare.
It smells so nice.
There's curry in it too?
Delicious!
It's so good!
The soup is...
Give Dragic some mints.
Why?
- Get him there! - Come on, easy.
- Uncle, you're going on a diet! - He's as heavy as lead.
Put him there.
Now bang his head three times, may God help us.
It hurts.
Fuck, it hurts.
Erzika, Stamena...
Intercourse.
What is this, motherfuckers?! What's with the stakes without
Turkish heads? Cannonballs and no cannons?
That's all because of that stone. It has infected all of them!
Let's whip them so that they go berserk against the Turks!
- I'd like to... - You, cut the crap! - There's cure!
If everybody hit their heads on the stone tonight, everything
will be back to normal. But someone has to give the order.
Of course! Tonight, everybody hit the stone with their heads
- and then straight to the Misar Field! - That's right!
Uncle, can we make an official political statement?
- Ouch, my head hurts... - Thank God!
- Karadjordje, how about a massage? - I need one.
Let's go to the catering.
People, army, brave men!
Tonight, all of you hit your heads on the Stone,
the Vozd has promised fantastic effect!
We're going to war!
Some of you will get killed, but some of us will return.
And now, march to the Misar Field!
Bang your head on the Stone
Hard facts you will take on
Instant wisdom gets hold of you
And all the madness is gone
Knowledge's not just in my hold
Everybody should get stoned
Strange are the Stone's changes
Wisdom and foolishness exchange places
Looking for wisdom at night
Brings you foolishness in the Stone of white
Knowledge's not just in my hold
Everybody should get stoned
Orchestra floor, first row. Give me the tickets.
- Seats are not numbered. - They can't read anyway.
It's not really safe, but the view is great.
Not as for those morons on the gallery.
I love premieres.
The Stone flies above us all
It just matters that it recalls
Our people'll live all along
Whether they're wise or wrong
Knowledge's not just in my hold
Everybody should get stoned
Everybody should, Everybody should...
Knowledge's not just in my hold
Everybody should get stoned
Pistols!
Hold your pants, Serbs!
Rifles!
Follow me!
Well, we beat the Turks.
But I feel that it won't be enough.
Bang at it at daytime, at night... Get smart, get crazy...
It all amounts to the same thing.
Yes, but it's a pity about the Stone. It's a powerful thing.
I have some business ideas.
To bring Europeans to the Stone at night...
- Such deals we could make, huh? - Cut the crap.
I am the Vozd and it will be as I say. Give me the torch.
Maybe we should leave it for posterity, maybe they'll be
- wiser than us. - Or crazier, Gruja.
The posterity and we will manage with the brains we have.
That will be enough.
I guess.